


Running Up That Hill

by Claire



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-04
Updated: 2005-05-04
Packaged: 2019-01-21 11:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12457012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire/pseuds/Claire
Summary: And if I only could make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places...





	Running Up That Hill

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the end of The Siege, part 2

_So long, Rodney._

Rodney McKay wants John Sheppard to be standing in the Control Room when he runs in. He wants him to be in the middle of it all, shouting orders and surrounded by the last remaining people ready to take a stand to save Atlantis.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants to not see the look in Elizabeth's eyes when he realises John isn't there, all despair and hopelessness, like it's already over, like they've already lost. He wants to not hear Zelenka's deadened tone as he reports more and more Wraith transporting into the city; as he reports more and more of their own people disappearing.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants to blame Elizabeth, wants to rage against someone, anyone. Even if he knows it's not her fault, knows that nothing would have kept John from going up in that Jumper. He wants to scream how it's not fair, how the universe has no right to take John from him so soon after Rodney got him.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants to take his eyes off the screen in front of him, doesn't want to see the single blue dot getting inexorably closer to its goal, but he can't. The screen is cool under his fingertips as he traces the path the Jumper is taking, unable to move his hand away, even as John's journey is burned into his skin for all eternity.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants to be able to do something, anything, other than remember the way John tasted this morning, all desperation and need and mint. He wants the last words they said to each other to be something more than what they were. More than anything he wants the one time he'd told John he loved him to have not been when he was sure Sheppard was asleep, words whispered into the darkness as though the blackness would mask their meaning. He wants to not feel the ghost of John's fingers against his skin, taunting him, and he wants the touch to be seared into his soul, an unforgettable brand.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants to be there with John, tumbling towards light and heat and atoms scattered across the galaxy they're going to die for. He wants the Wraith to have never woken, wants the expedition to still be in blissful ignorance and playing with Ancient technology. He wants to be back on Earth, with a neighbour who thinks he's a nerdy creep and a cat that demands the pillow at night. He wants to have never heard of the Stargate programme, to have taken the teaching position offered to him by the University of Toronto and know nothing more than what it is to correct idiot students on the difference between hadrons and baryons.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants to have met John in a bar somewhere, instead of in an alien Antarctic outpost. He wants to have had great sex and the concerns over what to watch on TV, instead of great sex and the concerns over whether they were going to be killed by a giant psychic vampire Marilyn Manson wannabe.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants John to be with him. He doesn't care where so long they're there together.

_So long, Rodney._

He wants...

_So long, Rodney._

And then the dot is gone, and Rodney doesn't want anything any more.


End file.
